What Recovery Is, and What Recovery is Not …

I used to have a very skewed perception of what recovery was. How could I not? I had a skewed perception of the eating disorder - something that had been a familiar crutch in my life for well over a decade, so being off on what recovery meant, well, that has been a very eye opening experience.

So, I am just going to ramble my own thoughts on/about recovery - as I live it...

What is recovery? Recovery is about being flexibile. Recovery is about being honest, open minded, and willing. Recovery is about being realistic. It is about learning how to just be. Be with thoughts, be with people, be a PART OF, instead of apart from. Recovery is about not giving in, but knowing the difference between taking a step back in order to breathe a little easier, and stepping back time and time again. It's about feeling proud and empowered when you are right, and having humility and integrity when you're wrong. It's about asking for help, admitting and embracing the fact that there's always room to grow. Recovery is a dance. Sometimes it's beautiful and free flowing, and other times there's alot of toe stepping (even sometimes trampling). But that is life itself, and really not specific to recovery. Recovery is about having faith. It's about putting confidence in something that is not tangible, but putting confidence in it anyway because the alternative really holds no desire. Recovery is about chance. And about change. It's about stepping out of the box, it's about creating new and healthy boundaries, for that box - that if ever you need to retreat back in to the box, the boundaries are no longer constraining, they are safe. And the box is breathable. It's about talking and about knowing when not to talk, moreso knowing it's okay to let things go. It's okay to just be. It's okay to just let people and situations be. It's okay to not have everything predictable, because really that's a very stifiling way to live.

I have realized that recovery is not innately knowing how to feel at peace with stressful situations. Stress, Fear, Anxiety - those are human emotions, and as long as we are human we will at one point or another come across those feelings. There is no way to realistically expect otherwise. But feelings can just be feelings. We can accept feelings, we can feel them, we can take a step back, but at the end of the day it's not about feeling good all of the time, it's about taking the ebb and flow of life in stride. Coping doesn't always result in pink clouds and rainbows. Coping isn't about instant gratifacation, but it is about getting through in one piece. And self destruction - that leaves us fragmented.

In recovery I have cried more then I ever did before. I used to view crying as a sign of weakness, and embarassment. Today, I embrace my tears. Sure I still have this cooky habbit of "forewarning" others when I'm going to cry, but I do not appologize for my tears. I do not cut them off. Why? Because it's cleansing and it feels really good.

I have a voice today. A voice that actually speaks from my voice box, from where voices are supposed to speak. My voice is not demonstrated through my body.

Recovery is about looking in the mirror and seeing a person. It's about seeing life behind your eyes, and walking away realizing that you do not tie your weight in with what you see in the mirror, or how you respond to what you see in the mirror. Recovery isn't about always accepting every part of your body - that is not realistic either. If you poll one-hundred people without eating disorders (especially women) I bet you there would be very few people that could say they loved every aspect of their physical body. We live in a society of plastic surgery and hair dye. Of teeth whitening trays and tanning oils. It seems as though everyone is doing something to change the way they look, and everyone has a very valid and logical reason for it.

When is it that we stopped being beautiful just as we are?

I think the most important part of recovery is realizing that while one can completely recover from an eating disorder, one cannot recover from life. Life will always hold some level of discomfort, there will always be "something", but it's amazing how much easier and brighter living life is, when there is actual living involved. Things just cease to be so damn complicated. That doesn't mean that life is without complication, it just means that it's doable. It's not suffocating. There is always breathing room.

And, ofcourse, the obvious.. it feels good when food is just food.

A means for nourishment. It feels good to go to bed night after night as a person. It feels good to be able to sleep, because back in the day ED and my ever drowning self esteem would keep me up for way too long for way too many rediculous reasons.
And it's certainly a rest-easy notion to go to sleep without shame or guilt !! That, perhaps, is one of the nicest things of all .

Recovery is not easy, but it's worth it. Recovery may not always be beautiful, but it is a beautiful ride.